Done dieting.

Posted in Fatness, General Annoyances, Getting Called Out with tags , , , , on September 18, 2010 by jaimelia

Well, I started and stopped the diet since my last entry.  I was all gung-ho to lose that last 8 lbs.  I lost 4 of it and then realized that starving myself was not doing my mental health any good…so I quit the diet.  I figure if I can’t lose 4 lbs like a normal human being, then my metabolism really is dead and there’s just no point to any dieting at all.  I might as well walk around with a cheeseburger in my hand at all times (mmm…cheeseburger….).  Instead, I’m going to return to my low-carb ways, eating mostly protein and veggies, until I stabilize and I maintain this weight (or lost that 4 lbs) at least until the end of the year.  I really don’t miss pasta as much as I thought I would.  I miss rice some, and I miss bread often because I’m such a panini freak, but I can live MOST of the time without those things if I continue to feel as good as I have.  I have definitely found my fat trigger, and it’s carbohydrates.  It will be interesting to see how I do during the holidays with all the mashed potatoes and stuffing.  I think, now that I know what my body runs best on, I can eat to satisfaction and then if  I gain a few pounds, just go hard and heavy on the high protein, no carbs, even for just a week and probably get back to my set point. 

Anyway…I see also that this blog is largely ignored and I honestly believe it’s because my weight was causing me angst about everything else in my life…and now that it’s no longer a problem, I don’t feel such a need to publicly purge.  A “friend” sent me kind of a nasty message last night, asking why I aired all my private dieting stuff on Facebook for the world to see.  I told her if she didn’t like it, she could block or unfriend me.  What  I really have done in this year of turning 40 is decided that I have no desire to deal with people’s judgment.  If you don’t like me or how I behave, you know where the door is.  I try so hard not to be judgmental, and am pretty successful at keeping my judgments to myself – who am I to tell someone how to live their lives?  I’m certainly no prime example of How to Be.  But damn – why can’t people take it back a notch?  Why does anyone feel they have the right to tell me how to act or not act?  I won’t tolerate that.  For all my quiet living, I hardly deserve judgment about posting details about my diet!  I have no wacked out vices, I pay all my bills, I don’t drink too much and I try to keep to myself.  I won’t put up with anyone making me feel less-than; I said it before just about men, but I’m extending that to everyone around me now.  I will not tolerate someone making me feel bad because I don’t fit the form they’re trying to push me through.

Woah.  Guess I needed a purge after all.

Fragility of life.

Posted in Evaluating Things with tags , , , , on August 18, 2010 by jaimelia

My friend’s dad, who’d just spent several months recuperating from heart surgery, died in a car accident yesterday, and I’ve been broken-hearted for my friend and her mother all day.  All I can do is think – I think about losing my own parents and how I’d be out of my mind with grief, unable to move.  I think about the trip to Russia her parents had planned in just a few weeks.  I think about her dad having made it through Vietnam only to die on a highway at the age of 67.  I know that without the knowledge of our own mortality, we can’t really grasp full on to life, but at the same time, I’m just aghast at how horrible and heedless death is as I enter my 40s.  I think I really believed until today that we were all somehow going to cheat death and not have to face that emptiness.  At least, that’s how it feels.  Like some grand illusion has been played on me and I see behind the curtain now.  And I’m so very afraid that in so little time, I will be facing what my friend is going through today.  I’m not that strong.

You have to eat.

Posted in Fatness with tags , , , , on July 19, 2010 by jaimelia

Ok, so I had the first negative experience of “The Diet.”  I am so afraid of carbohydrates.  Every time I indulge  – not even over-indulge – I put on 4 lbs.  So when an old friend stopped by my parents’ house early Saturday afternoon, and the wine was opened and the appies were put out (cherries, roasted almonds, garlic & herb cheese curds, sweet potato chips, rice chips, pita chips and guacamole), I maintained my extremely low carb diet because I was getting way too many from the booze.  I had a handful of almonds, maybe 6 cherries and a few of the cheese curds.  Otherwise, it was a strictly liquid diet, and I paid for it.  By 6 p.m., I had thrown up what little I’d eaten and passed out!  How embarrassing. 

So now I have a new lesson to learn – if I’m going to drink, I’m going to have to eat.  Fact is – no one needs to drink as much as we did on Saturday, but the lesson is still there – losing weight should not mean fear of food.   I need to learn that if I do over-indulge one day, that I can fix it over the next few days – it’s not permanent, for crying out loud.  It doesn’t mean going back to that old life.  I really am phobic about food carbs – I should learn to be more afraid of the booze carbs. 

I guess just because you’re forty, doesn’t mean you have it all figured out. 😉

Forty Found: 0 days, 6 lbs and like 8 bikinis

Posted in Bucket List with tags , , , , on July 2, 2010 by jaimelia

Forty arrived without much fanfare, just as I prefer:  a lot of birthday wishes on my Facebook page, a song from my dad (yes, at 5:55 a.m., which is not a significant time other than he felt like singing loudly right then), and a cup of coffee waiting for me in the kitchen on this slightly sunny yet still unseasonably and unreasonably cool morning. 

First – I am NOT disappointed that I didn’t make the 30 lb goal.  I am shocked and awed that I lost 24 lbs!  For the first time in longer than I can remember, I have goals for myself – they might all be health and diet and weight-related at this point, but they are goals, nonetheless.

  1. Lose 7 more lbs.  6 lbs meet the 30 lbs goal, 1 lb more gets me to the goal weight.
  2. Lose a total of 8 more inches:  .75 off the chest, 3.75 off the waist, and 3.5 off the hips. 
  3. Try to skip a third HCG round in September by continuing to eat right and exercise often. 
  4. Stop considering training for a 5k run and actually start training for it.  And I do mean running a whole 3 miles. 
  5. If all of this goes well…lose 5 to 10 more lbs after goal, with or without HCG, in January (probably with).

Today, however, is my day to forget dieting and carbs and calories.  Today, I’ll eat what I crave.  I think I’ll have my usual two scrambled eggs and salsa for breakfast…I love that and there’s no reason to splurge.  We’ll see what happens once it’s wine o’clock or beer:30 or martini time later on!  Dinner will be an extravagance, but you only turn 40 once and if that needs to include some pasta, so be it.  I’m trying to think about food in celebratory terms now – meaning that I should eat right 95% of the time so the 5% of the time that calls for celebrating, I can do so without guilt.  I don’t want to feel as if there are good foods and bad foods ever again.  I just want to think about what’s healthy for MY body, and work with my body instead of against it. 

So…the bikini…I totally forgot to bring it!!!  In fact, I have “like 8 bikinis” all sitting at home ready to wear this summer but in my haste to pack, I completely forgot about this goal – which I think is a good thing, as it means I’m not fixated on just the bikini, I’m looking at the goal globally.  I have a bikini top and some swim shorts with me, but I’m not sure that qualifies as a bikini, so I probably won’t be photographing it.  Or maybe I will and I’ll feel safer with the shorts. 😀

Anway…I think 40 is a journey that is going to take me longer than just this year to finish.  I think this is going to be a decade of self-awareness and hopefully self-fulfillment.  I want to continue this feeling of worthiness to set goals.  I want to actually have something to answer when someone asks me what I’ve been doing.  So 40 is the year of living purposely…I will find what I’m meant to do, even if it takes me the entire decade to do so.

Benign!

Posted in Evaluating Things with tags , , on June 27, 2010 by jaimelia

Woo hoo!  No cancer in my mole!

Finding Strength at Forty

Posted in Evaluating Things with tags , , , on June 23, 2010 by jaimelia

So, I had my annual exam today.  My doctor was very impressed with my weight loss, approved of the HCG method, urged me to increase my exercise starting tomorrow since I can eat more, and was happiest with the decrease in my blood pressure.  She gave me a few pointers about carbs – for instance, when I told her I couldn’t wait to start eating my oat bran cereal again to get back to “regularity,” she said  instead of starting the day with carbs, I should eat my oat bran cereal as an afternoon snack so I have carbs to burn for my workout a few hours later.  I never thought to do that.  It was a good visit.  I love my doctor – not only is she extremely personable, but she asks a lot of questions and doesn’t prescribe drugs that aren’t necessary.  She told me today that she grew up in a family where the only medicine they had in the house was aspirin.  Everything else was natural healing, which is why she became an OB/Gyn – it’s the least medically invasive of all the specialties, she thought.  I like that. 

But here’s the catch to my great visit.  I ended up having a biopsy on a mole that is in an unmentionable place.  I’ve had one before and it was benign, but now four years later, it has returned and with my 40th birthday just over a week away, I decided it was time to check it again.   My doctor did say that based on what she saw when she gave me the local prior to the biposy, if there is any problem, it will be only superficial  – but probably will need to be removed with a surgery.  Under full anesthesia.   So I’m a little wiggy over this, but I’m going to try not to lose any sleep over it while I wait for the results.   Turning forty, as well as watching my dad go through his medical issue this year, has made me want to take full responsibility for my health…so there are no embarrasing questions anymore.  Even about moles in unmentionable places.

Tomorrow is the first day…

Posted in Fatness with tags , , , , on June 23, 2010 by jaimelia

…of the rest of my life not being fat (God willing).  I had my last HCG diet VLCD (Very Low Calorie Day)…goodbye to only 500 calories, at least until sometime after Labor Day.  I still have to avoid carbs and sugar for the next 21 days, but that’s pretty easily done.  This time of year, I want to grill and eat veggies way more often than I want to wallow in potatoes and rice.   I’ve lost 23 lbs, and have 8 days left til my birthday.  I won’t make my 30 lb goal, but I’m sure I’ll make 25 lbs.  I’ve lost over 20 inches from my body.  It’s amazing to me that there was that much to be lost (of course I’m counting my arms and calves in there, but they don’t account for many of the inches)…it’s even more amazing that I could probably lose another 10 inches by the time I get to where I’m supposed to be.  The Wii Fit Plus that Dad bought me for my birthday has informed me that my ideal weight is 136 lbs.  I was 136 lbs for about 15 minutes back in 2003.  It was not a maintainable weight for me – I am better off between 140 and 145 lbs.  So I’m not too terribly far off from the reality of a maintainable size 8.  8 lbs – piece of cake, now that I know what I know.  13 lbs – it might be doable.  18 lbs?  I know I don’t WANT to work that hard.  Today.  Come Labor Day?  I might could get ambitious.  It could happen.