Forty Found: 0 days, 6 lbs and like 8 bikinis

Forty arrived without much fanfare, just as I prefer:  a lot of birthday wishes on my Facebook page, a song from my dad (yes, at 5:55 a.m., which is not a significant time other than he felt like singing loudly right then), and a cup of coffee waiting for me in the kitchen on this slightly sunny yet still unseasonably and unreasonably cool morning. 

First – I am NOT disappointed that I didn’t make the 30 lb goal.  I am shocked and awed that I lost 24 lbs!  For the first time in longer than I can remember, I have goals for myself – they might all be health and diet and weight-related at this point, but they are goals, nonetheless.

1. Lose 7 more lbs.  6 lbs meet the 30 lbs goal, 1 lb more gets me to the goal weight.
2. Lose a total of 8 more inches:  .75 off the chest, 3.75 off the waist, and 3.5 off the hips. 
3. Try to skip a third HCG round in September by continuing to eat right and exercise often. 
4. Stop considering training for a 5k run and actually start training for it.  And I do mean running a whole 3 miles. 
5. If all of this goes well…lose 5 to 10 more lbs after goal, with or without HCG, in January (probably with).

Today, however, is my day to forget dieting and carbs and calories.  Today, I’ll eat what I crave.  I think I’ll have my usual two scrambled eggs and salsa for breakfast…I love that and there’s no reason to splurge.  We’ll see what happens once it’s wine o’clock or beer:30 or martini time later on!  Dinner will be an extravagance, but you only turn 40 once and if that needs to include some pasta, so be it.  I’m trying to think about food in celebratory terms now – meaning that I should eat right 95% of the time so the 5% of the time that calls for celebrating, I can do so without guilt.  I don’t want to feel as if there are good foods and bad foods ever again.  I just want to think about what’s healthy for MY body, and work with my body instead of against it. 

So…the bikini…I totally forgot to bring it!!!  In fact, I have “like 8 bikinis” all sitting at home ready to wear this summer but in my haste to pack, I completely forgot about this goal – which I think is a good thing, as it means I’m not fixated on just the bikini, I’m looking at the goal globally.  I have a bikini top and some swim shorts with me, but I’m not sure that qualifies as a bikini, so I probably won’t be photographing it.  Or maybe I will and I’ll feel safer with the shorts.  😀

Anway…I think 40 is a journey that is going to take me longer than just this year to finish.  I think this is going to be a decade of self-awareness and hopefully self-fulfillment.  I want to continue this feeling of worthiness to set goals.  I want to actually have something to answer when someone asks me what I’ve been doing.  So 40 is the year of living purposely…I will find what I’m meant to do, even if it takes me the entire decade to do so.

Toxic Co-workers

I had a pretty crappy day at work.  I ended up having to come home because I just couldn’t get my head together.  I’m very lucky to have a boss who is so understanding of my emotional travails.  What set me off was a co-worker who, while dripping honey from her mouth, I think may be trying to railroad me and make me redundant.

In the space of a one hour meeting, she not only relegated me to admin status (“Oh, Jaime – you know who to call in Document Administration – you can help, right?”) but also began to undermine a project of mine that I have perfected over the last three years (“I just never know who to call in Washington, <provider service representative>, but now I can call you!”).  It’s all so very difficult to explain while keeping everything basically anonymous, but suffice to say that with one side of her mouth she extols my virtues to our boss, and with the other side tries to make me unnecessary.  Never in my twelve years in the department have I felt so useless and demeaned (and I’ve been demoted/re-org’d, so I know from useless and demeaned)…and in front of network execs!  People whose trust I have worked hard to earn over the last three years…I feel as if they will no longer come to me with the issues that keep me working all day long. 

I’ve worked with people I don’t particularly like.  Or who are just stupid.  But I’ve never had to work with a vile snake like this woman.  She is an ass-kisser, which is hard enough to watch on a daily basis (earlier this week, she brought flowers to our boss), but she is a user who is looking out only for herself.  I had to be very honest with my boss today – I don’t trust this woman, she values my opinion only when it serves her, and I don’t think she is interested in administering our contract but instead looks for short-cuts.  When the shit hits the fan, I’m not going to take the fall for her. 

What I have done, though, is allow her to make me feel less-than.  That’s on me.  People don’t treat you badly unless you allow them to do so.  And I think my boss agrees with that…she has asked me to take a week or so to really think about how I feel and then to have a face-to-face conversation with this woman to tell her how her actions and words have hurt me.  Normally, I push that down.  Normally, I just deal with it and wait for it to go away.  But looking down the barrel at 40?  I think I have to step up and do it.  I think if I’m going to continue to grow as a human being and as a strong woman, the discomfort that comes with the confrontation has to take second-stage to being seen as valuable.  I know at this point in my life, I wouldn’t let a man treat me this way.  Why should a co-worker be any different?

164 days, 30 pounds, and 1 bikini

July 2, 2010.  40 years old.  It’s a big milestone, and it deserves respect.  A friend told me I should start a Bucket List for 40…things to do in my 40th year.  Of course, there is the ever-present “lose 30 pounds.”  To make this more real, I’ve decided that I will don a bikini on my 40th birthday.  However, I haven’t declared that I will wear it in public or be photographed wearing it…that would be overkill.  Another friend has pledged to run a full marathon the week of her 40th birthday, and that, too, is overkill.  At this point, a big move for me would be going on a date and actually living through it.  Or figuring out my 401(k) allocation.  Or giving up wine and cheese for Lent (which I won’t do…the horror!)

So I’m starting this blog not only as an inspiration to get my ass into that bikini, but also to help build the rest of the 40-Year-Old Bucket List.   Suggestions are welcome and will be entertained, but anything that involves adrenaline will be pointed to and laughed at.